Dear me -

Today is Febuary 10, 2014; one of the greatest days of your life! This morning your baby boy, Nolan Grant Harrell, was born. He is everything and so much more than you could imagine. Your dream for as long as you can remember was to have a chiild and a family. Today everything feels just right. You're exhausted from hours and hours of labor and waiting on this child who took his sweet time making an apperance. Get used to that feeling because it won't go away anytime soon. Weird thing is, you won't mind the exhaustion most of the time because those sweet dimples make it all worth it.

I want you to know that motherhood is one of the hardest and most amazing things that will ever happen to you. And you don't know it yet, but you're about to join a club you never imagined you'd be apart of. You will be a parent to a child with special needs. You won't know any of this for a few more years because it takes a while for the signs of autism to show.

Nolan will hit all of his milestones from smiling at you, laughing, looking into your eyes, sitting up, and playing peekaboo. He will have frequent ear infections and some colic along the way, but don't all babies? Somewhere between 12-18 months old you'll start to notice things that are different. This will eventually lead to a diagnosis of autism right after he turns two.

I want you to know that the stages of grief are real and perfectly normal to go through. Denial is always first because you don't want to believe that your child will have a harder life than you expected. Next is anger because you did everything right. Bargaining and depression are after that but you're a "fixer" so you won't stay there long. You'll have your own stage of grief called obsession where you are consumed by every single little thing that can fix this autism thing and give your child a normal life.

And the guilt that comes with all of these stages is the worst. Guilt that you could have done something different when you were pregnant or when he was a baby. Guilt that you should have known sooner. Guilt that you even want to change him. Guilt because you can't accept things as they are.

I'm sure right now reading this you are freaking out and in a panic. The reason I even write this letter to you is because I want you to know that all of these feelings are temporary. There will be hills and valleys along the way. Enjoy the mountaintop of those amazing milestones and pure joy that will come from this child and when the valleys of hard times come you will discover strength that only comes from God.

Acceptance is last stage of grief and it is the most beautiful. It's where all the feelings and emotions find a balance. Some days you can't believe your child has special needs but most days you forget he does. The stares and looks from other people in public won't bother you anymore. You actually welcome the opportunities to show others how amazing your son is! You'll still look for ways to make his life easier for him but you don't obsess anymore. He has autism but autsim doesn't have him. It doesn't define him!

Girl let me tell you something, this boy is going to make you a better person. You will become more patient, more compassionate, tougher, and more humble. You have to learn to ask for help and accept it. You have the most amazing husband, family and support system! Oh yeah, surprise! He's going to have an incredible sister very soon that will be his biggest cheerleader!

Last, I want you to know that the most amazing thing this boy will do is give you a relationship with Jesus you never knew existed. You will depend on Him during the hard times, pray harder than you ever have before, and sing His praises for every milestone reached. You'll thank Him for the pure joy and happiness this child wakes up with and the love he spreads. There will be hard times along the way but you'll learn that when you lean on God during every moment of this child's day He will give you a hope and peace that his like no other.

Even though you know what lies ahead I want you to find the joy and embrace the little moments. Don't miss them because of worry, stress, and fear. It's all going to be okay. Let God have the big stuff because he sees the bigger picture! You just sit back, get some rest, and love on that sweet baby boy in your arms. He truly is one of a kind and he's going to change your life.