Faith over Fear

When I took on the role as a stay at home mom about four months ago, I had no clue what I was getting myself into in so many ways. I get asked all the time, “are you enjoying being home?” The truth is yes and no. Before you judge me, let me explain. I wanted to quit work to be able to put all my focus on Nolan and all the therapy, appointments, etc. that go along with autism. It was very difficult juggling a full-time job as a manager, full time school, and manage all of the things that go along with having a child with special needs. Don’t get me wrong, many people do it every day and we have an amazing village to help. But I felt the pull every single day to be with him and put all my daily attention on helping him succeed; so much that it began to take my focus away from everything else. The number one thing that held me back from making the decision was fear. Fear of the unknown and fear that I couldn’t do it.

Having a child with autism, or any special need, can be overwhelming. It’s so easy to focus on the negative instead of the positive. My way to cope was work. I loved being a nurse and a manager. I loved learning and I got to work around some of the best in my field. Not only did everyone I worked with love their job, we all got along and were friends. I got to work at 7:30am and for the most part through all of my thoughts into work because that’s what it took. I didn’t have time to dwell on autism. When I got off work at 4:30 it was busy busy at home with kids and our little family getting ready for the next day. I was involved in Nolan’s care, but I had an escape.

Fast forward to that first week. It was very overwhelming. There was no escape from autism anymore. Don’t get me wrong though, Nolan wasn’t difficult to deal with. I loved being able to spend more time with him and work with him more! But the deep-down thoughts that I kept tucked deep inside and refused to deal with were now in my face every second of the day. When Nolan and I both got frustrated because I couldn’t understand what he was trying to tell me or when we would go to the park and I’d see how far behind he was from other kids his age. Reality hit me like a brick. I also had more time to learn about different therapies and treatment options to help Nolan more. While this was a good thing, it was extremely overwhelming. I didn’t know where to start or what information to trust.

Four months have felt like 4 years but let me tell you how far he and I have both come in this little period of time together! Autism is our life now, we’ve started new therapies, and we’ve got a mama/son bond like no other! I have spent a lot of time teaching Nolan things these past few months, but it is NOTHING compared to what he has taught me. He has given me so much purpose and drive for helping him, others with special needs, and to increase our community awareness/acceptance of people who are different. Even through our hardest moments I am so thankful for the opportunity God has given me; and just think, I had so much fear at first. God always knows what’s best and I have to remind myself daily that he can see the big picture when I can’t.

I said "say cheese!" and pointed to my mouth! :)