Hallelujah

Sometimes I like to ride in silence on the way home from taking the kids to school. There is a lot of chaos and noise involved in getting kids out of bed, dressed for school, lunches made, teeth brushed, breakfast, and school drop off lines. I usually ride quietly and think of what I need to get done before getting back in the pickup line to get them in the afternoon. One day last week, Hunter and I had been up since 3:00 am with Nolan. This is nothing new for us as it usually happens about once a week. We take turns getting a few hours of sleep while the other lays in the bed with him. This particular time was rougher than normal. Nolan had been struggling with some extreme hyperactivity and agitation the day before. He is usually very calm when he wakes up but this time he was WILD! Then when it was time to get ready for school it got even worse. Needless to say, he wasn't happy when I handed him over to his teacher, but thank goodness they are amazing, compassionate, and love on him so well.

On the way home, my nerves were shot, I was exhausted, and I felt so defeated. Instead of riding in silence, I turned on the radio to keep my thoughts from spiraling into a puddle of negative thoughts. The Message radio station was on, and it was playing the song "Gratitude" by Brandon Lake. I love this song! The first lyrics I heard were, "So I throw up my hands and praise you again and again cause all that I have is a hallelujah, hallelujah." Normally, that is my favorite part of the song, but it hit me differently this time. I didn't want to raise my hands or sing the words, "Hallelujah." I'm ashamed to admit that I did not want to praise God at that moment. I wanted to feel self-pity, frustration, anger, and sadness. How could I praise God when I felt so down? We'd been up all night with my ten year old son who has autism, seeing him so agitated for unknown reasons that he couldn't tell me about because he can't talk. We had tried to stop him from biting and pinching himself out of frustration and I just felt broken. Those are the complete opposite of the cheerful praise I usually feel when singing those lyrics.

I immediately felt bad for feeling this way and other songs I love came to mind that have the same theme. "Praise You in the Storm," by Casting Crowns or "Blessings" by Laura Story are some of my favorites. It's so easy to turn that music up loud and sing those lyrics to Jesus when life is going well. I felt convicted to start the song over and listen to it even with all my feelings of helplessness. At first, nothing changed, but by the time the chorus came, I couldn't help but sing along. "I know it's not much, but I've nothing left fit for a King except for a heart singing, hallelujah, hallelujah." A KING. Suddenly, I remembered the God and King we serve who loves us more than our imagination can understand, I have every right to feel sad, desperate, and frustrated; but when I praise God in those moments the burden isn't so heavy. I'm reminded that He doesn't cause these hardships we have, but He is right there to help us through them.

I'd love to say that all of a sudden the sun came out, birds started singing, and everything was magically better. However, fairytales aren't real, so I'll hit you with the truth. I picked Nolan up from school and his day had gotten better. We all got a good night's rest that night and the world kept spinning. In the Bible, 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 says, "Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." That doesn't mean you have to be happy all the time and say, "Thank you Lord for this flat tire that has caused me to be late for work." Instead, praise God and talk to Him whether your day is going great or it's turning out to be pretty rotten. God has taught me that it's okay to be all in my feelings when life is hard but to remember that He is sitting there with me, and good days full of joy are up ahead. Because of that, I can praise Him, and you can too.