Show Them

I grew up in church. I could sing "Jesus Loves Me," before I knew my ABCs. It all started in nursery, then Sunday school, and youth group. God has always been apart of my life and I always assumed my children would follow the same path. That's the funny thing about life though. It doesn't care too much about your expectations or assumptions. It just happens.

When I became a mother for the first time I feel in love. It was a love I truly never new existed. I remember asking my mom one day, "You mean you for real love me this much??" I knew my mom loved me. I just couldn't imagine that anybody could love the way I did this little boy in my arms. It is indescribable the love of a parent to a child. I would rock him at night and sing songs in the dark. "I Love You Nolan," "You Are My Sunshine," "Amazing Grace," Jesus Loves Me," and anything else that would get him to sleep. My dad even made up a song about bouncing around the house that I would sing when he was especially fussy! Later on when sweet Harper was born I did the same with her. I couldn't wait until they were old enough to start singing them too!

A few years later, those quiet nights rocking them to sleep turned to wild, exhausting days chasing toddlers around the house. They are only a year and half apart so it was always busy! Nolan had received an autism diagnosis and was non verbal. Harper, on the other hand, never stopped talking. It wasn't long before she started asking questions about Jesus. "mama, where is Jesus?"

"Can Jesus hear me?"

"Jesus made the sky!"

"God is great, God is good, let us thank him for our food."

"Jesus loves me this I know. . . "

With all her questions and her love for Jesus starting to blossom I quickly realized it would be different with Nolan. Because he didn't talk and struggled to pay attention to anything for more than a minute, we had no idea what he really knew or understood. He was in his own world most of the time at that age. I prayed he heard me and understood how much God loves him but I didn't have that validation like I did with Harper. I remember tears coming down my face telling my mom these things. I knew that God knew Nolan's heart better than I ever could.

I know now that Nolan knows and understands way more than we ever realized in those early years. He's able to show us now the things he knows. He isn't in his own world all the time anymore. He interacts with us, makes eye contact, and is able to verbally say a few things that he wants. He's been to church with us but isn't able to go to worship because he's the loudest person in any room he enters. Ha! He has learned to pause his video and bow his head when we pray. And I know he hears his little sister singing all day long and sometimes there are a few songs about Jesus in there! I know he soaks some of it in but I still long to know what he thinks, what he wonders, and have conversations about it. I truly believe that one day we will.

A few weeks ago Harper was telling me about her Sunday school lesson. It was about how Jesus healed a man who couldn't walk. She was just so amazed! All the feelings of sadness and grief came to me all of sudden because I wanted to have those moments with Nolan too. I thought to myself, "will I ever get to talk to him about Jesus?"

In my moment of self pity I swear I just heard a voice in my head say, "You may not. But you can show him." I was shocked and felt so humbled all at the same time. I know that Jesus was telling me to stop griping and feeling sorry for myself. He was saying that we might not be able to have a conversation with Nolan about Jesus but we can sure show him who Jesus is. Talk about a punch in the gut. It's so easy to talk to my kids about how to act and what they should do. But do I show them? Okay God, I get it.

Isn't that what we are all called to do anyways? 1 John 3:18 says, "Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth." I'm not saying we aren't supposed to tell people about God and all the great things he's done. The Bible tells us to do that too. But I've been reminded that actions speak louder than words. We can't just talk about God, we have to show others who He is. We will fail; because we are human. But our goal should be to wake up everyday and try to live and love like him so that others will want to know him too. Especially for our children.

It is amazing how God uses those tough moments in life to teach us lessons. Nolan reminds me everyday to show who Jesus is and I'm thankful to him for that. I pray he does the same for you!