Silver Linings

Hello from home! Between storms, power outages, coronavirus pandemic, and stay at home orders I've had a hard time finding the time to sit down at this laptop! In fact, this is the fourth time I've sat down to try and finish this post and I'm still at the beginning!

It's been almost a month since I've been home with both kids and I know I am not the only one who has to make huge adjustments! Harper thinks we have already started summer vacation and wants to go somewhere fun every day. She finally understands that "the virus" is still going around and we have to stay home for a little while longer. I'm not sure what Nolan thinks. At first, he didn't seem to notice any changes. But when we started telehealth ABA at home I know he was confused. I wish I could have taken a picture of the look on his face that first day I started acting as an ABA tech with him at home. It was a look of betrayal, confusion, and anger. I am his mama. The one who takes care of him, cuddles, and plays, and now I'd crossed over to the other side. Haha!

We meet with his therapist via telehealth for two hours a day, Monday through Friday. It was tough at first but I can honestly say it has been such a blessing because we are able to do so much in his home environment. I've loved learning how to work with him more at home too! Don't get me wrong, there are some days where half of the therapy time consists of me and his therapist staring at each other while we wait out a tantrum. But there have also been days where we get new words and new behaviors that are AMAZING!

Nolan's first word he said correctly and consistently was "go." I'll never forget the day because it was something we had prayed about for so long. Now we are working on replacing the word "go" with other words. So basically when he says, "go" and points at his cup, I say "cup" and wait for him. He will say "cup" and then he gets it. Sounds easy right? That's the perfect scenario. Sometimes he just keeps saying "go' and gets angry. Sometimes he would say, "lsieroisgioe" and get angry. But as soon as I hear anything that sounds like a "cup" its all his! We've gotten pretty good at this at home now! From the other room yesterday he hollered, "cup!" And let me tell you something I've never run so quickly with a cup to give to him! Ha! He's learned off, on, bubbles, cup, up, down, popcorn, cookie, cracker, iPad, and chip. He doesn't say them all independently all the time but we are getting there! Baby steps! We are so happy to see progress because honestly, we were just praying for no regression during this time away from therapy.

We've also worked hard on tantrums since we've been home together all the time lately! That part has been the most fun! Ha! Nolan doesn't like the word "no." Sometimes he takes it okay and just pouts. But my strong-willed child sometimes goes into a full-blown tantrum of screaming, kicking, and the works. An autism tantrum isn't like that of a typical child either. He has tunnel vision during this time. ABA therapy teaches us to ignore negative behavior as long as he isn't hurting himself or others. It's nerve-wracking to walk away, turn your back, and wait it out. Sometimes a distraction works and other times he gets to go throw a tantrum in his room until he calms down. I know what some of you are thinking: "if you spank him enough he won't do it." A spanking works sometimes if you catch the behavior quickly enough, he isn't exhausted, and there is no overstimulation involved. So basically, it works every now and then. But even then, there is crying that can turn into a meltdown quickly. A tantrum or even being too upset can turn into a meltdown due to overstimulation. This doesn't happen very often but when it does it is the worst. He can't bring himself out of it or calm himself down. He doesn't want you to hold him, want your attention, or even want whatever started the tantrum. The only thing to do at this point is to ride it out and love on him the best you can. A dark, quiet space and tight hugs help sometimes. And just when I think its hard on me to deal with these tantrums and meltdowns I am reminded what it must be like for him. He doesn't have the words to express how he feels; so he screams. It is our job to teach him that this isn't acceptable. He also doesn't have the mental control to stop a meltdown. I've read articles and stories of people with autism who say that a meltdown is like being out of control and stuck in your body at the same time. God bless this child and what he has to go through just to function in our world. The good news is that since we have been home there has been all the time in the world to work on this and it is getting a lot better! The tantrums are fewer and when they do happen, they are much shorter!

Overall this whole deal of staying at home has been one of the toughest things we've done and one of the best too. It is a lot more stressful on a day to day basis. But there is so much joy, milestones, and memories being made too. It is a scary thing to go home with a child with special needs "until further notice." No more breaks, no more therapy, no more consistency, and routine. I literally thank God every day for the people at Canopy who check in with us each day and work so hard with us. I also thank God we live near family who helps us get those breaks on the tough days and get our kids out of the house! I know our kids get tired of being home all the time too!

I've always been a silver linings kind of girl. Find the good. Find the joy. Look for the positive. There have been days over the past few weeks that I don't see any silver linings in the clouds. I have to get out the magnifying glass and look real hard! Ha! But it's always there. You have to choose to see it. If I went through this crazy life unable to find the good there wouldn't be a reason to get out of bed or face the day. Even on the very worst days of life, there is something good. . . or at least someone. God is good no matter what. No matter if a crazy virus pandemic takes over the world, you are afraid for your job, you have bills to pay and no money to pay them with. Even if you are home with a special needs child and no clue what to do to help him. Even if a loved one dies, gets sick, or depression and anxiety are at an all-time high because no one can leave their house. God is still good. I really didn't mean for this blog post to go this direction but I might as well continue! God is good even when things seem the worst because He can see the bigger picture. He never leaves you and never fails you; even if you can't see the same thing he does. This world and all the struggles we face are only temporary anyway. Our world wants us to have fear because society says we have to be in control of our lives. God has got this. . not you or me. If you give your life to Him there will be hope even on the hardest of days. Hope is the silver lining, the joy, and the good that I look for every day. Without it and without Jesus, what's the point?