The Cow

Nolan has about 10-15 words he uses consistently.

cup

more

popcorn

daddy

kate

pool

sleep

car

ride and

eat are just the most common ones.

He'll try to say just about anything you ask him to but these are words he has learned and repeats on his own. I always thought that when he started talking he would just talk like we do and it would be clear. But Nolan has trouble saying certain sounds of words. We are pretty certain he has what's called Speech Apraxia but he's never been formally diagnosed. I can understand him most of the time because thats what moms do!

Yesterday, Nolan and I took the girls to VBS at Emmanuel, and when we got in the car he said, "Ca." He looked me in the eyes and tried really hard to say it. I knew this meant he really wanted something and wasn't just jabbering. I thought about it and said, "Kate?" He really likes when Kate, our dog, rides with us! He looked at me real serious again and said, "Ca," and held it out this time. I just told him, "buddy I don't know, Kate is right here though." At that, he buckled up and didn't try again.

When we got in the car again to go to speech and occupational therapy a few hours later he did it again! Got my attention and looked me in the eyes and said, "Ca." I thought about it for a minute. I said, "buddy I don't know what that means. Can you help me?" He just sat down in his seat and got on his iPad. Moments like these are bittersweet. I'm so proud of him for trying to tell me something that is obviously so important to him, but heart broken that he can't. I gave him his talker but he couldn't find what he was looking for; we are both still learning it.

Before we got out of the car for therapy he showed me his iPad. He had gone to one of his favorite songs about a farm and paused it on a picture of a cow! He pointed at it and said, "ca." He was saying "cow!!!" I said, "cow! Okay I get it now!! Good job! But what about a cow?" We were getting out of the car for therapy at that point so I figured we'd figure it out when I picked him up. As I was running my errands, I couldn't stop thinking about what he was trying to tell me. Then, it dawned on me as I passed Yogurt Express. . . COW!!

Nolan doesn't like frozen yogurt but he LOVES to go to Yogurt Express and get a little cup of sprinkles. He has a routine when we go in. He waits patiently for Harper and whoever else is with us to get their yogurt. I put some sprinkles in his little cup, and then he takes it to the desk to get a top. One time we spilled the sprinkles everywhere and now he insists on a top! Ha! If they don't offer him a cow sticker fast enough he points to his shirt. He doesn't want to eat there either. He likes to get in the car and then open his sprinkles and eat on the way home. They are so nice to him there too! They talk to him and treat him just like everyone else. I'm so thankful for that and apparently he loves it too because he found a way to tell me he wanted to go!

Needless to say we went to get sprinkles and frozen yogurt yesterday and he loved it! I found the word cow on his talker and he used it several times on the way to the store. It's moments like this that keep us going. Those little rays of pride and hope.

He wasn't always this patient when he wanted us to know something. I want you to know that because someone reading this right now I'm sure has a child with autism who screams and cries constantly. This child may hurt themselves when they get frustrated or even hurt others. It is so easy to get worn out and depressed from these times. Please know that it won't always be this way. We still have moments like this but they are fewer and farther between. Time, therapy, and alternate communication help. We started with simple sign language when Nolan was 3. We've used pictures too and it helped a lot. It's a slow process but as long as you are moving forward hold on to that hope.

And when you want to throw your hands in the air and give up, put your self in the child's shoes. I can't imagine having something to say and not being able to say it. To hurt, be hungry, thirsty, cold, hot, or just want a hug . . . and to have to figure out how to say that without words. I'd probably scream and cry too. I'm not saying this perspective changes everything but it does help you remember not to give up. Your child is depending on you to help them find their voice whether its verbal, non verbal, pictures, or anything other way possible. Hang in there, one day at a time, and always looks for those little rays of hope like we had today! Progress is progress no matter how far away or how slow it is!