Who Cares

Anyone who has met Nolan knows he is usually the loudest person in the room. Squeals, screams, laughter, jabbering, and sometimes words fill our house as long as he is awake. You get used to it; desensitized even. I forget it isn't normal when others are startled by it! Walmart is the best. Nolan loves Walmart and is usually very vocal while we are there! People often look when he lets out a happy squeal or a mad scream because I didn't go straight to the DVD section like he wanted. They stare as we act out he favorite scene from Little Einstiens where the balloon flies away and we dramatically say, "OH NO balloon! Come back!" Some people smile while others frown because they realize it isn't a toddler I"m playing with, but an 8 year old. This used to bother me. I'd tell Nolan to, "shhh," or I'd hand him my phone and hope it quieted him down. I wasn't ashamed of him. I just didn't like the attention from others. I wondered what they were thinking as I saw their judging eyes on us.

Eventually I got tired. I was tired of worrying, hiding, quieting, and being bothered by others. Nolan doesn't care what others think of him. There were questions I remember seeing on so many forms I had to fill out for evaluations over the years. Does he notice when someone is not nice to him? Does he seem to care when he is left out of a game? Nolan doesn't talk very much and when he does it is usually to request something. He doesn't tell me about this feelings. I have to assume he doesn't care about any of these things though because he always goes about his business no matter what. Nolan is happy being himself. He is loud, always on the move, and literally dances like nobody is watching. He usually puts it on social media for everyone to see too! Ha! All you have to do is view my Instagram or Facebook stories to see this on a daily basis! Over time I realized that if Nolan is happy with who he is then who am I to stop him?

We are raised in a world that demands approval from everyone around us. Kids start early with, "if you don't do this you won't be my best friend." The teenage years are the worst. You've got to act, dress, and do life a certain way or else you are left out, teased, and made to feel different. Adults aren't much better unfortunately and our kids learn from us. What are we teaching them when we talk about people who aren't the same as us, or roll our eyes at the squealing 8 year old boy who is acting like a toddler? When I act embarrassed or ashamed of being different it gives others permission to do the same. When we get looks in public I force a smile. It's hard for someone to be rude when you are smiling at them. I want to be like my awesome kid with autism who couldn't care less about other's opinions and has a confidence I'm jealous of!

Why is is so hard for us to let go of other people's opinions? Why do we struggle so much with being accepted? A chid craves attention and approval from their parents even as babies. So why don't we care as much as God's approval as we do each other's? I never thought seriously about this until Nolan came into my life. I never noticed how much I cared about what other people thought until autism and all of it's chaos, loudness, and wildness forced me to look at myself and who I'm trying to please. God made you and knows you better than you know yourself; and still loves you. (Psalms 139:1-6) In fact, he loves you so much that he allowed his son, Jesus, to suffer and die for your sins. (John 3:16) Has anybody on this Earth ever done anything remotely close to that for you? When you accept that and live your everyday life for Him it changes everything. Other's opinions aren't as important. Your decisions and actions aren't based on "what would they think," but "what does God think?" This way of life doesn't come easy. It is an everyday struggle. But there is so much freedom in it! Quit stressing and worrying over other people's thoughts and focus on the One that matters. I'm not sure I'll ever dance my heart out to my favorite song and post it on Facebook stories for the world to see! But next time you see one of his silly videos try to remember that sense of freedom and know that you can have it. It won't be found in trying to impress others or worrying about fitting in. That kind of joy is only found in Christ!